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I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Carpet
Fifteen
Lifts
Gotten
Legs
Thinner
Exercise
Faithfully
Thing
Years
Dieting

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It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.
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If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.
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I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
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Most turkeys taste better the day after my mother's tasted better the day before.
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I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.
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Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
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I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.
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Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
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My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
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Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.
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All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
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My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.
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Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.
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My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.
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When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
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I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.
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I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
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Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say Thank you. That's now escalated into You care care of yourself, now. The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, Don't put off that mammogram.
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My Vegas act is how I make my money.
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Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, Are we going to have sex again? He said, Yes, but not with each other.
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