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I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Except
Fun
Call
Lying
Work
Sick

More quotes by Rita Rudner

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My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
Rita Rudner
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If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.
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Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
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Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
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One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.
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I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!
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I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
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I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
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Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Rita Rudner
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I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.
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Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.
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Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
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How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
Rita Rudner
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I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.
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All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
Rita Rudner
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I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
Rita Rudner
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We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner
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I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
Rita Rudner
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Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Rita Rudner
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When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
Rita Rudner