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I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Except
Fun
Call
Lying
Work
Sick

More quotes by Rita Rudner

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You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
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When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
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I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them.
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My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.
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I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.
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My Vegas act is how I make my money.
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There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
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A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
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My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.
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I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!
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Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
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I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.
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My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
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My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
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I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
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We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
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Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
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Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
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My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
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Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
Rita Rudner