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I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Work
Sick
Except
Fun
Call
Lying

More quotes by Rita Rudner

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One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.
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Most women are introspective: Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled? Most men are outrospective: Did my team win? How's my car?
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I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.
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I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
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Never take candy from strangers.
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Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
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Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
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I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.
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Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.
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Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
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Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.
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Be careful of men who are bald and rich the arrogance of rich usually cancels out the nice of bald.
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I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.
Rita Rudner
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I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
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When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
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When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.
Rita Rudner
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It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.
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There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
Rita Rudner
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My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Rita Rudner