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Most turkeys taste better the day after my mother's tasted better the day before.

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Tasted
Turkeys
Sarcasm
Sarcastic
Dignity
Taste
Mother
Better

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Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
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It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.
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My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.
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Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
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My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.
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You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
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Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, Never take candy from strangers. And then they dressed me up and said, Go beg for it. I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, Trick or treat.
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The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
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I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.
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Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
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Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
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Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
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I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.
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Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
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My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.
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To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
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Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: Mitch, you look great. Mitch: Thanks. On the other side: Ruth, you look great. Ruth: I do? Must be the lighting.
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I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.
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I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.
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My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it. Instead of calling him her fiancé, she kept calling him her financee.
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