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My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
Rita Rudner
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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Cooks
Sorrow
Humor
Funny
House
Lousy
Mother
Thanksgiving
Time
Cook
Memorable
More quotes by Rita Rudner
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
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An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom it just doesn't work.
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I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.
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There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
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Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
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It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.
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I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself well, that's not going to happen
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Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
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After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.
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Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
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I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
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If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.
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I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!
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I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.
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I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
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All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
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I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
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My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.
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Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Rita Rudner