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My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
Rita Rudner
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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Humor
Funny
House
Lousy
Mother
Thanksgiving
Time
Cook
Memorable
Cooks
Sorrow
More quotes by Rita Rudner
I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
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Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, Are we going to have sex again? He said, Yes, but not with each other.
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I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
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Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
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All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.
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Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
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I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!
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A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Rita Rudner
I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.
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How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
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Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about New Car Interior?
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Most turkeys taste better the day after my mother's tasted better the day before.
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Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
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Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
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Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
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To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
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I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.
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If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.
Rita Rudner
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.
Rita Rudner