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My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Cooks
Sorrow
Humor
Funny
House
Lousy
Mother
Thanksgiving
Time
Cook
Memorable

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I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.
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Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
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Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
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Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.
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Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
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When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.
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I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
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Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.
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I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!
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Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
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I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
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Never take candy from strangers.
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Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
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Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
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All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
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My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.
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I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.
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My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
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