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My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Cooks
Sorrow
Humor
Funny
House
Lousy
Mother
Thanksgiving
Time
Cook
Memorable

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My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
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Be careful of men who are bald and rich the arrogance of rich usually cancels out the nice of bald.
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Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
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Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, Never take candy from strangers. And then they dressed me up and said, Go beg for it. I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, Trick or treat.
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Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
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Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.
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Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
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A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
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Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
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I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
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Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
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I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.
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If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.
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I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
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Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about New Car Interior?
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Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
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Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
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I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
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I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.
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I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.
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