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Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Always
Hold
Fire
Funny
Women
Better
Looks
Dresses
Thing
Ugly
Much
Humor

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Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
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Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
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When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.
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If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.
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My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.
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A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
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You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.
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We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
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My Vegas act is how I make my money.
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Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.
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Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
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When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
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All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
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I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.
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My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.
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There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
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I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.
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Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
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I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.
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Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
Rita Rudner