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Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
Rita Rudner
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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Funny
Bathroom
Fall
Seat
Night
Consistently
Women
Seats
Men
Humor
Leave
Toilet
Comedy
Secretly
Middle
Toilets
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My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.
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A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
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I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
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Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
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When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.
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I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.
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Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.
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Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.
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I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
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I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
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When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
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The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
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You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.
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I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.
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Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
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Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.
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Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say Thank you. That's now escalated into You care care of yourself, now. The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, Don't put off that mammogram.
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Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
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