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I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Decided
Stand
Desire
Comic

More quotes by Rita Rudner

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My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.
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When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.
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Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
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Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say Thank you. That's now escalated into You care care of yourself, now. The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, Don't put off that mammogram.
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The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him
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Never take candy from strangers.
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Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
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I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.
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When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
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If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.
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Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
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I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.
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Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Rita Rudner
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I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.
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Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
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Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
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Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.
Rita Rudner
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My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
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My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Rita Rudner
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Be careful of men who are bald and rich the arrogance of rich usually cancels out the nice of bald.
Rita Rudner