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I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Stand
Desire
Comic
Decided

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An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom it just doesn't work.
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Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
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My Vegas act is how I make my money.
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My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
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My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.
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After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.
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I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
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Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
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Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
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The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
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I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!
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Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
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I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.
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You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.
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My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
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I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself well, that's not going to happen
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Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.
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There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
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My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
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When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
Rita Rudner