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We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Long
Pet
Bought
Dog
Feet
Littles
Little
Patter
Wells
Cheaper
Well
Begun

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Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: Mitch, you look great. Mitch: Thanks. On the other side: Ruth, you look great. Ruth: I do? Must be the lighting.
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Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, Are we going to have sex again? He said, Yes, but not with each other.
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A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
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Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
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Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
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Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
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If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.
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I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
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Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say Thank you. That's now escalated into You care care of yourself, now. The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, Don't put off that mammogram.
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Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.
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Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
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Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
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One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.
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Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
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It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.
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Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
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I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.
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The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
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I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.
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I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
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