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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
People
Sunday
Early
Dies
Word
Getting
Spiritual
Use
Mean
Covered

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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
Richard Jeni
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Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
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