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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Without
Lenses
Life
Camera
Romance
Cameras
Bits
Lying
Littles
Vaseline
Little
Lens

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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
Richard Jeni
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
Richard Jeni
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
Richard Jeni
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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Richard Jeni
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
Richard Jeni
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
Richard Jeni
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
Richard Jeni
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Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
Richard Jeni