Quote

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

Richard Jeni

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Restaurant
Cows
Restaurants
Folks
Animals
Lobsters
Animal
Lobster
Alive
Tank
Tanks

More quotes by Richard Jeni

Image
Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
Richard Jeni
Image
It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
Richard Jeni
Image
I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
Richard Jeni
Image
Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
Richard Jeni
Image
There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
Richard Jeni
Image
Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
Richard Jeni
Image
If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Richard Jeni
Image
In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
Richard Jeni
Image
If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni
Image
Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni
Image
Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
Richard Jeni
Image
Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
Richard Jeni
Image
We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
Richard Jeni
Image
America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
Richard Jeni
Image
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
Richard Jeni
Image
In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
Richard Jeni
Image
I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
Richard Jeni
Image
We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
Richard Jeni
Image
If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
Richard Jeni
Image
Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
Richard Jeni