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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Cows
Restaurants
Folks
Lobsters
Animals
Lobster
Animal
Tank
Alive
Tanks
Restaurant

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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
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Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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