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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Restaurants
Folks
Animals
Lobsters
Animal
Lobster
Alive
Tank
Tanks
Restaurant
Cows

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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
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Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
Richard Jeni