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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Animal
Lobster
Alive
Tank
Tanks
Restaurant
Cows
Restaurants
Folks
Animals
Lobsters

More quotes by Richard Jeni

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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
Richard Jeni
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
Richard Jeni
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
Richard Jeni
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
Richard Jeni
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
Richard Jeni