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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Folks
Animals
Lobsters
Animal
Lobster
Alive
Tank
Tanks
Restaurant
Cows
Restaurants

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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
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Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
Richard Jeni
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
Richard Jeni
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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
Richard Jeni