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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
System
Seventies
Economic
Sleeping
Zeta
Sleep
Bags
Hefty
Winning
Wearing
Catherine
Five
Sex
Doorway
United
Wind
Doorways
Bigs
Lose
Seventy
States
Loses
Jones

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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
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Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
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Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
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