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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Winning
Wearing
Catherine
Five
Sex
Doorway
United
Wind
Doorways
Bigs
Lose
Seventy
States
Loses
Jones
System
Seventies
Economic
Sleeping
Zeta
Sleep
Bags
Hefty

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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
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Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
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