Quote

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

Richard Jeni

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Sleep
Bags
Hefty
Winning
Wearing
Catherine
Five
Sex
Doorway
United
Wind
Doorways
Bigs
Lose
Seventy
States
Loses
Jones
System
Seventies
Economic
Sleeping
Zeta

More quotes by Richard Jeni

Image
America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
Richard Jeni
Image
When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
Richard Jeni
Image
Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
Richard Jeni
Image
Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
Richard Jeni
Image
Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
Richard Jeni
Image
If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Richard Jeni
Image
Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni
Image
You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
Richard Jeni
Image
In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
Richard Jeni
Image
Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
Richard Jeni
Image
We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
Richard Jeni
Image
Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
Richard Jeni
Image
If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
Richard Jeni
Image
In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
Richard Jeni
Image
Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
Richard Jeni
Image
We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
Richard Jeni
Image
I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
Richard Jeni
Image
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
Richard Jeni
Image
If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni
Image
Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
Richard Jeni