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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
System
Seventies
Economic
Sleeping
Zeta
Sleep
Bags
Hefty
Winning
Wearing
Catherine
Five
Sex
Doorway
United
Wind
Doorways
Bigs
Lose
Seventy
States
Loses
Jones

More quotes by Richard Jeni

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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni
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Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
Richard Jeni
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
Richard Jeni
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
Richard Jeni
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
Richard Jeni
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
Richard Jeni
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
Richard Jeni
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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
Richard Jeni
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Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
Richard Jeni
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
Richard Jeni
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
Richard Jeni
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
Richard Jeni
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
Richard Jeni
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
Richard Jeni
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
Richard Jeni
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
Richard Jeni