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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
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Collective
Moments
Fast
Existentialists
Young
Animals
Pelt
Littles
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Humans
Dies
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Good
Moment
Happier

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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
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Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
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