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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Like
Living
Collective
Moments
Fast
Existentialists
Young
Animals
Pelt
Littles
Leave
Existentialist
Live
Animal
Furry
Little
Looking
Motto
Humans
Dies
Collectives
Good
Moment
Happier

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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
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Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
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