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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Live
Animal
Furry
Little
Looking
Motto
Humans
Dies
Collectives
Good
Moment
Happier
Like
Living
Collective
Moments
Fast
Existentialists
Young
Animals
Pelt
Littles
Leave
Existentialist

More quotes by Richard Jeni

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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
Richard Jeni
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
Richard Jeni
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
Richard Jeni
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Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
Richard Jeni
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
Richard Jeni