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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
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Living
Collective
Moments
Fast
Existentialists
Young
Animals
Pelt
Littles
Leave
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Animal
Furry
Little
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Humans
Dies
Collectives
Good
Moment
Happier

More quotes by Richard Jeni

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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
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Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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