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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Firsts
First
Life
Spend
Second
Half
Making

More quotes by Richard Jeni

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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
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Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
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Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
Richard Jeni
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
Richard Jeni
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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
Richard Jeni
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
Richard Jeni
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
Richard Jeni
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
Richard Jeni
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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Richard Jeni