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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Watch
Bucks
Today
Walked
Back
Bought
Genuine
Six
Street
Pastrami
Watches
Sandwich
Streets
Sandwiches

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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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