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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Watch
Bucks
Today
Walked
Back
Bought
Genuine
Six
Street
Pastrami
Watches
Sandwich
Streets
Sandwiches

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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
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Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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