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Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Believe
Angel
Think
Consider
Thinking
Amazing
Unreliable
Evidence
Seventy
Americans
Dna
Percent
Seventies
Five
Angels
Real
Forty

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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
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Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
Richard Jeni
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
Richard Jeni