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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Birth
Control
Less
Better
Need
Needs
Would
Gun

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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
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Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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