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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Control
Less
Better
Need
Needs
Would
Gun
Birth

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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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