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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Would
Gun
Birth
Control
Less
Better
Need
Needs

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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
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Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
Richard Jeni
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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
Richard Jeni
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
Richard Jeni
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
Richard Jeni
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
Richard Jeni
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Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
Richard Jeni
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
Richard Jeni
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
Richard Jeni
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
Richard Jeni
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
Richard Jeni
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
Richard Jeni
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
Richard Jeni
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
Richard Jeni
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
Richard Jeni
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
Richard Jeni