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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Friend
Fight
Getting
Fighting
Religion
War
Better
Going
Imaginary

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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
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Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
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