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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Important
Like
Toilet
Toilets
Paper
Success
Seems

More quotes by Richard Jeni

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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
Richard Jeni
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
Richard Jeni
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
Richard Jeni
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
Richard Jeni
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
Richard Jeni
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
Richard Jeni
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
Richard Jeni
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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Richard Jeni
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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
Richard Jeni
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
Richard Jeni
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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
Richard Jeni
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
Richard Jeni
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
Richard Jeni
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
Richard Jeni
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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
Richard Jeni
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
Richard Jeni
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
Richard Jeni
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Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
Richard Jeni