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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
War
Best
Simplest
Imaginary
Killing
Friend
Religious

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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
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Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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