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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Simplest
Imaginary
Killing
Friend
Religious
War
Best

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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
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Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
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I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
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If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
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The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
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In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
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America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
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If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
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