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When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case ten people see him it's a cult ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

Richard Jeni

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Richard Jeni
Age: 49 †
Born: 1957
Born: April 14
Died: 2007
Died: March 10
Acting
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Richard John Colangelo
Funny
Invisible
Men
Ten
Life
Million
People
Case
Cases
Respected
Millions
Cult
Guy
Nuts
Religion
Sees

More quotes by Richard Jeni

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You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
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In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
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Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
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Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
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If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
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Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni
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Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
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Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
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It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
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Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
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We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
Richard Jeni
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In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
Richard Jeni
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I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
Richard Jeni
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There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
Richard Jeni
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Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
Richard Jeni
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Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
Richard Jeni
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Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
Richard Jeni
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Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
Richard Jeni
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Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
Richard Jeni
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We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
Richard Jeni