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I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

Red Skelton

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Red Skelton
Age: 84 †
Born: 1913
Born: July 18
Died: 1997
Died: September 17
Circus Performer
Comedian
Composer
Entertainer
Film Actor
Painter
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Singer
Television Actor
Richard Bernard Skelton
Richard Skelton
Richard Red Skelton
Problem
Dean
Martin
Sober
Drinking
Guy
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More quotes by Red Skelton

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People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.
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I left home because I was hungry.
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Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.
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My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
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If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.
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You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.
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Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.
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All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
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Congress: Bingo with billions.
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She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
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I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.
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I only come to life when there are people watching.
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I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.
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I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'.
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I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.
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Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap
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We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas
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Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
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Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
Red Skelton