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I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

Red Skelton

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Red Skelton
Age: 84 †
Born: 1913
Born: July 18
Died: 1997
Died: September 17
Circus Performer
Comedian
Composer
Entertainer
Film Actor
Painter
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Singer
Television Actor
Richard Bernard Skelton
Richard Skelton
Richard Red Skelton
Drinking
Guy
Next
Problem
Dean
Martin
Sober

More quotes by Red Skelton

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My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
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Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.
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I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.
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She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
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Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.
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I only come to life when there are people watching.
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Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
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Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
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I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away.
Red Skelton
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I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'.
Red Skelton
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People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.
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I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.
Red Skelton
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Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
Red Skelton
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Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Red Skelton
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If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.
Red Skelton
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You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.
Red Skelton
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A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '
Red Skelton
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All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
Red Skelton
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I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.
Red Skelton
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You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.
Red Skelton