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You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.

Red Skelton

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Red Skelton
Age: 84 †
Born: 1913
Born: July 18
Died: 1997
Died: September 17
Circus Performer
Comedian
Composer
Entertainer
Film Actor
Painter
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Singer
Television Actor
Richard Bernard Skelton
Richard Skelton
Richard Red Skelton
Mind
Narrow
Birthday
Aging
Changes
Places
Getting
Waist
Age
Broads
Tell
Broad

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She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
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If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.
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Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.
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My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
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Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.
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Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
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I only come to life when there are people watching.
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All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
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We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas
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A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '
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People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.
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I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.
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I left home because I was hungry.
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Congress: Bingo with billions.
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Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.
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Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap
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I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away.
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I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'.
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I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.
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