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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Ever
Lingerie
Clerks
Sales
Smart
Says
Hate

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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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