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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Hate
Ever
Lingerie
Clerks
Sales
Smart
Says

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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
Phyllis Diller