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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Weren
Shape
Shapes
Apple
Apples
Adam
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Phyllis Diller
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
Phyllis Diller
Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
Phyllis Diller
self-pity is better than none.
Phyllis Diller
... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
Phyllis Diller
I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller
It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Phyllis Diller
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
