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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Apple
Apples
Adam
Weren
Shape
Shapes

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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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