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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Shape
Shapes
Apple
Apples
Adam
Weren

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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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