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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Shape
Shapes
Apple
Apples
Adam
Weren

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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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