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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Apple
Apples
Adam
Weren
Shape
Shapes

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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
Phyllis Diller
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller