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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Apple
Apples
Adam
Weren
Shape
Shapes

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
Phyllis Diller
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
Phyllis Diller
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
Phyllis Diller