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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Floor
Romantic
Useless
Husband
Eyes
Eye
Hard
Love
Blink

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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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