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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Haven
Since
House
Wigs
Night
Haunted
Used
Ghosts
Back
Ghost
Havens
Tried

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Phyllis Diller
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
Phyllis Diller
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
Phyllis Diller
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis Diller
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self-pity is better than none.
Phyllis Diller
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
Phyllis Diller
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
Phyllis Diller
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Phyllis Diller
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller