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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Used
Ghosts
Back
Ghost
Havens
Tried
Haven
Since
House
Wigs
Night
Haunted

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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Phyllis Diller
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller