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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Since
House
Wigs
Night
Haunted
Used
Ghosts
Back
Ghost
Havens
Tried
Haven

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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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