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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Back
Ghost
Havens
Tried
Haven
Since
House
Wigs
Night
Haunted
Used
Ghosts

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
Phyllis Diller
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
Phyllis Diller
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
Phyllis Diller
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
Phyllis Diller
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Phyllis Diller