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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Havens
Tried
Haven
Since
House
Wigs
Night
Haunted
Used
Ghosts
Back
Ghost

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Phyllis Diller
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Phyllis Diller
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
Phyllis Diller
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
Phyllis Diller
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
Phyllis Diller
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
Phyllis Diller
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Phyllis Diller